How Not To Get Published

Hi – attached you’ll find the book that is sure to make your fortune and mine. I doubt if anyone has ever written anything like this before –  it is a kind of mixture between Dickens and Gresham, if you get my drift. I see that you only ask for three chapters to be sent in but that seemed a shame as I had written the whole thing – so I attach all 450,000 words for you.



Dear Over Publishing Company – I have decided to consider you as the publishers of my new book, ‘The Hedge Fund Cat Who Stole The Corporate Dog Meat.’  A lot will depend on what sort of deal you usually offer authors.  I was thinking of a good advance and probably between 12-15% of sales – negotiable. I’m only sending you in two chapters at the moment on spec as I haven’t written the rest of the book yet – but no panic – it’s all in my head.

Best wishes


Hi Publishers – Not sure where I got your name but I have a really good story you ought to read. Let me know if you want me to send it to you. And any other information you want and do you have a web site, who have you published before etc.



Dear Sir/madam – my book, ‘England, What Have They Done to My England,’ is a rollicking yarn and a splendid adventure set in the second world war of which I had some experience as a soldier fighting for King and Country. I can’t say that I see much of this kind of story published anymore – a story with values, honour, patriotism at its heart, when men were men and we weren’t hidebound by PC nonsense. So I hope you will agree it is time to redress the balance.



Hi Guys – Attached: ‘Stoned In The Attic’.  No more to say really. Let me know if you’re cool about it.



Good morning – I am doing the rounds of publishers so forgive this circular email but it’s the quickest way to get my book looked at. The synopsis is attached. If you’re interested, get back to me and I can give you some more details/discuss further etc. Just let me know who you are, what other things you’ve published why your company should appeal to me.

All the best


Dear Publisher – as an established expert in my field I have now decided to write a book which I know will be a best seller as I have several thousand followers on Facebook, Twitter etc. Obviously, being so busy I haven’t got a lot of time to write it but I have several hundred blog posts, articles, seminar notes, webinars etc. that we could cobble together into something. I am very excited at the thought of going into print and I know we will make a great team. If nothing else we can have a great launch party! I’m away for a month or two but we could talk when I get back.



Hello Another Publisher – I think you’ll find the attached is very like ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’.  My friends have urged me to send this into a publisher as they have all enjoyed reading it and said it should be seen by more people. At first I was reluctant but then my cousin said I would be a fool not to send it to someone as it is as good as anything professional that she has ever read. So here it is. I hope you agree with them. They’re just ordinary people who don’t read a lot – but they’re the ones who count, don’t you think.

My best wishes to you


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